Subject: Darwin Awards
Date: Friday, January 11, 2002 4:46 PM

Happy days the 2001 Darwin Awards Are Here! The latest Darwin Awards
 update...
 
 The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals
who
 contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves
from
 the gene pool before they have a chance to breed. Remember all the
stories below are true!
 
 1. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk
cheaply,
 because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline
with
 milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited
into
 the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned
his
 house down, killing both him and his sister.
 
 2. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home
died
of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2" tall
and
 weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black
and
 white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying
to
 create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military
gas
 mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached
in
 its place. The other end of the hose was connected to an end of a
hollow
 wooden tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end
was
 inserted into his rear end for reasons unknown, and was the cause of
his
 suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of
his death to his family very awkward.
 
 3. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low
altitude
 when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon
the
 occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft
and
 crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants
around their ankles.
 
 4. A 22-year-old Reston, VA man was found dead after he tried to use
 octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax
 County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of
these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the
other 
end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement.
 Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia
was
alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he
had
 assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the
 ground", Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was
 "Major trauma".
 
 5. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and
a
 friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball.
The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was
hospitalized.
 
 6. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the
smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building,
extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.
After the
building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were
dispatched.
 Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating
in
 the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked (you can
see
 what's coming, can't you?). Witnesses later described the sight of
one
of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object
that
 resembled cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like
object,
 the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three
miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was
virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of
causing the
blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.
 
 THESE FOLKS ARE NOT THE SHARPEST TOOLS IN THE SHED. WILL THE REAL 
DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
 
 1. AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he
lacked
 "intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance
package.
 Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
 
 2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, California
 spent two hours attempting to subdue a Gunman who had barricaded
himself
 inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers
discovered
 that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting,
 "Please come out and give yourself up."
 
 3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun,
kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated

teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from

his own bank accounts.
 
 4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and
asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was
too
small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for
three
 hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
 
 5. DID I SAY THAT? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery
 suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When
 detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words, "Give
me
all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I
said!"
 
 6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING? A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My
wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is
this
her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her
husband!"
 
 8. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto California, a man
tried
 to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. He used a thumb
and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep
his hand
 in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)
 
 9. THE GRAND FINALE Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in
the
 high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new
to
 boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they
 couldn't get their brand new 22ft Bay liner to perform. It wouldn't
get on
 a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no
 matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to
make
 it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could
tell
 them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in
 perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up
and
 down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the
marina
 guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on
water; he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER THIS IS TRUE....
 Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer...